


Breathings of the Heart

by Arionrhod, McKay



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-26
Updated: 2017-05-25
Packaged: 2018-11-05 00:19:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 17,756
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11002008
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Arionrhod/pseuds/Arionrhod, https://archiveofourown.org/users/McKay/pseuds/McKay
Summary: An unexpected windfall proves problematic when Snape and Lupin are forced to live together in peace or else risk forfeiting their inheritance.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Written in 2007. This is a story told (almost) entirely through newspaper articles, journal entries, letters, and notes between the characters.

  


_Letters which are warmly sealed are often but coldly opened. ~ Jean Paul Friedrich Richter  
  
Fill your paper with the breathings of your heart. ~ William Wordsworth_

  
  
  
DAILY PROPHET  
(Headline article, Special Edition)  
June 1, 1998  
  
DARK LORD SLAIN - WAR ENDS!  
Harry Potter Savior of Wizarding World  
All Hail Boy Hero For Defeat of Voldemort  
  
In a surprising and overwhelming victory yesterday, Harry Potter destroyed He Who Must Not Be Named, ending the war which has terrorized both the Wizarding and Muggle worlds for the last two years. Details are sketchy at this point, but from all reports, Potter destroyed He Who Must Not Be Named in a magical battle on the grounds of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Many followers of He Who Must Not Be Named were also killed, along with an unknown number of Potter's own Order of the Phoenix, a band of wizards and witches originally assembled by the deceased Albus Dumbledore.  
  
As the list of confirmed dead and injured is made available, the Daily Prophet will update with further details....  
  


* * *

  
  
DAILY PROPHET  
(Headline Article, Daily Edition)  
June 2, 1998  
  
MURDERER IN MINISTRY CUSTODY  
Killer of Albus Dumbledore Survives Final Battle  
Arrested by Ministry Personnel at Hogwarts  
  
The Daily Prophet has learned that Severus Snape, murderer of Albus Dumbledore and notorious henchman of He Who Must Not Be Named, was arrested at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry in the aftermath of the final battle. His physical condition is unknown at this time, as he was immediately removed by the Ministry of Magic to an undisclosed location. The Ministry will neither confirm nor deny that they have Snape in custody, but witnesses who wish to remain anonymous say that it is unclear why Snape remained at Hogwarts following the defeat of He Who Must Not Be Named. Hero Harry Potter, long time protege of Albus Dumbledore and long-time decrier of Snape's role in Dumbledore's murder, could not be reached for comment, nor could any surviving members of the Order of the Phoenix....  
  
(Page 4 article)  
  
GREYBACK'S PACK TAKEN INTO CUSTODY  
  
Several members of the pack belonging to notorious werewolf and terrorist Fenrir Greyback, who was slain in the final battle at Hogwarts along with He Who Must Not Be Named, were taken into custody this morning at a location somewhere outside Surrey. The Ministry reports the werewolves were captured easily, having lost any will to fight in the wake of their Sire's death. All have been removed to Azkaban to await trial for their crimes against humanity.  
  


* * *

  
  
DAILY PROPHET  
(Headline Article, Daily Edition)  
June 3, 1998  
  
ALLEGED CONSPIRATOR ARRESTED  
Remus Lupin, Former Hogwarts Professor, Arrested with Werewolf Pack  
Claims of Lupin's Loyalty Called into Question  
  
Remus Lupin, former member of the Order of the Phoenix who had gone missing over one year ago, was found to be among the members of Fenrir Greyback's pack arrested yesterday. The reason for Lupin's association with the terrorist band seems clear; he was given the curse of Lycanthropy by Greyback himself as a child over thirty years ago. Many members of the Order of the Phoenix, the very ones who had cast doubt on Lupin's loyalties for the past year, are now recanting their stories and claiming that Lupin was actually an agent working undercover for the Order. Yet there can be no question that Lupin was found with the survivors of Greyback's pack and not with his supposed comrades of the Order, thereby calling into question his true allegiance. Just who was Lupin working for during the war, or was he perhaps playing both sides against the middle in an effort to survive?  
  


* * *

  
  
DAILY PROPHET  
(Headline Article, Special Edition)  
June 4, 1998  
  
RUMORS OF SNAPE'S INNOCENCE IN DUMBLEDORE'S MURDER  
Brother of Slain Leader Claims Snape Is Scapegoat  
  
Aberforth Dumbledore, brother of murdered Hogwarts Headmaster Albus Dumbledore, has gone public with a statement claiming that Severus Snape was not responsible for his brother's murder. In a stunning turn of events, the Daily Prophet has received a copy of a letter written by Aberforth which pins the blame for Albus Dumbledore's death squarely on the head of the deceased man himself. Below is a facsimile of the letter in its entirety, but it is uncertain whether it casts more doubt on Snape's guilt or on Aberforth Dumbledore's sanity.  
  
[Print of letter: many misspellings, scratch outs, and grammatical errors; it claims Albus bound Snape with an Unbreakable Vow and Albus' portrait at Hogwarts will confirm this.]  
  


* * *

  
  
DAILY PROPHET  
(Headline Article, Daily Edition)  
June 5, 1998  
  
ALBUS DUMBLEDORE'S WILL MADE PUBLIC  
Slain Leader Leaves Bulk of Fortune Split Between Traitors  
  
Shock and horror are resounding through the Wizarding World from reports the firm that was entrusted with Dumbledore's will has finally read and will act upon its contents. The document has been sealed for the past year in accordance with specific instructions left by the late Hogwarts headmaster. The Daily Prophet has learned the reports that Dumbledore directed his entire estate to be split evenly between traitor Severus Snape and alleged conspirator and werewolf Remus Lupin are true. When asked if he was upset by being left out of his brother's will, Aberforth Dumbledore replied, "What do I need with his money? I have my own full vault and a fine establishment to boot." Further details of the will are being held secret by the Ministry of Magic...  
  


* * *

  
  
DAILY PROPHET  
(Headline Article, Daily Edition)  
June 6, 1998  
  
HARRY POTTER IN RETREAT  
Savior of the World Goes Into Seclusion  
Refuses to Comment on Battle, War, or Snape  
  
Boy Hero Harry Potter, whose defeat of He Who Must Not Be Named freed the Wizarding World from two years of tyranny and terror, has reportedly gone into seclusion under a Fidelius Charm somewhere in Scotland. The Ministry will make no comment on this, but longtime friend of the young savior, Molly Weasley, was finally reached at her home in Ottery-St. Catchpole. Before refusing to speak further, she claimed Potter needed a respite and should be left alone to heal from the stress of the last few years. When asked for Potter's feelings on the developments involving Severus Snape and Albus Dumbledore's murder, Mrs. Weasley issued a firm "No comment, and don't you dare step in my garden on your way out!"  
  


* * *

  
  
DAILY PROPHET  
(Headline Article, Daily Edition)  
June 7, 1998  
  
MINISTRY DECLARES SNAPE WILL BE PUT ON TRIAL  
Potions Master, Murderer to Be Tried for War Crimes  
  
Trial is set to begin tomorrow for Severus Snape, accused murderer of Albus Dumbledore and loyal follower of He Who Must Not Be Named. The Ministry claims to have a solid case against the former Hogwarts professor, and although it cannot be confirmed, rumor has it that Harry Potter will testify in the case. Potter still cannot be reached for comment, although sources close to the Boy Who Lived indicate he will come out of seclusion to make certain the murderer of his mentor receives his just desserts. The case is, according to one official who prefers to remain unnamed, "cut and dried", and they are confident the trial will last no more than a week.  
  


* * *

  
  
DAILY PROPHET  
(Headline Article, Daily Edition)  
October 15, 1998  
  
TRIAL OF THE CENTURY ENDED  
Verdict Reached in the Snape Trial  
  
After months of shocking testimony and unparalleled drama that left even the Wizengamot divided, the trial that has riveted the Wizarding World has ended at last, and Severus Snape has been declared not guilty. Initial reports from the Ministry declared Snape's trial would be an "open and shut case", but as more and more evidence was presented and witnesses came forward to speak on Snape's behalf, it became clear the Ministry were grossly mistaken.  
  
Pensieve memories, signed documentation from the deceased Headmaster of Hogwarts, and even testimony from a portrait were among the evidence presented to the Wizengamot to disprove all allegations of treason. Aberforth Dumbledore, brother of the deceased, was among those who testified on Snape's behalf, revealing he stood as witness to an Unbreakable Vow forged between Snape and Albus Dumbledore in 1981 prior to the downfall of He Who Must Not Be Named, which marked the end of the First War. Snape vowed loyalty on pain of death should he betray Dumbledore. Suffering from a slow-acting curse wound, Dumbledore was dying and charged Snape with the task of killing him in order to strengthen Snape's own place within the ranks of the Death Eaters that he might undermine the organization from within as well as smuggle information to the opposing forces via his contact, Aberforth Dumbledore.  
  
Memories stored in Dumbledore's own Pensieve supported these claims, as did signed documentation which was unearthed along with Dumbledore's will. In spite of dismay from the prosecution, all signs pointed to Snape being innocent of treason. But witnesses who spoke against the accused reminded the Wizengamot that he did in fact murder Dumbledore and cast an Unforgivable, regardless of his motivation.  
  
After lengthy deliberation, Snape was cleared of all charges related to war crimes. Dumbledore's death was ruled suicide by unconventional means, leaving only the charge of casting an Unforgivable for which Snape was heavily fined and placed under house arrest at the Dumbledore estate for a period of six months. The notation will remain on his record, and the more disgruntled members of the Wizengamot have vowed against such leniency should Snape be brought up on any further charges for questionable behavior.  
  
When questioned after the verdict was given, Snape's only comment was "Go away."  
  


* * *

  
  
DAILY PROPHET  
(Page 15 Article, Daily Edition)  
October 17, 1998  
  
WEREWOLF TRIED, FREED  
Remus Lupin Found Innocent Amid New Revelations Concerning Albus Dumbledore's Will  
  
After a lengthy wait while the Ministry of Magic dealt with the trial of Severus Snape, werewolf and alleged Greyback supporter Remus Lupin was found not guilty following a brief trial. Testimony was given by his supporters in the Order of the Phoenix, who lobbied for Lupin's freedom for months and requested charges against the werewolf be dropped for lack of evidence. Minerva McGonagall, leader of the Order, vouched for Lupin and called his long incarceration a "travesty of justice". Other Order members did not wish to go on record - unsurprising, given some of them are employees of the Ministry - but there was a general spirit of jubilation following Lupin's release. As for the werewolf himself, he only smiled and said, "I just want to go home. Wherever that is now."  
  
Lupin's comment does raise an interesting point in light of revelations today of a codicil in Albus Dumbledore's will. It had been previously reported that Dumbledore's estate was to be split equally between Lupin and recently released spy and former Death Eater, Severus Snape. However, conditions were attached to the division of Dumbledore's wealth, which has been estimated at several million galleons. According to Ms. Amica Curae, Executrix of Albus Dumbledore's estate, Snape and Lupin must both occupy the Dumbledore family mansion, located in a remote area of northern Scotland, in order to have access to the late Headmaster's fortune. If one of them moves out, the other would be granted the entire fortune by default. There are apparently further stipulations concerning the death of either of them, which one source within the Ministry has been quoted as saying was no doubt to keep Snape from murdering the werewolf for the money. Neither Snape nor Lupin would comment on this latest development, and given the history of bad blood between the two which has been hinted at by our sources, speculation is rampant about who will emerge as the heir: the Death Eater or the werewolf.  
  


* * *

  
  
[Owls from Ms. Amica Curae, Barrister, to Messrs. Snape and Lupin, October 18, 1998. Both letters are identical, including salutation]  
  
Dear Mr. Snape and/or Lupin -  
  
Enclosed with this post, you will find a key to Tingling Gently, the ancestral home of the Dumbledore family located in Murthee-on-Toast, Scotland. As you are both to occupy the residence, please be aware the conditions of the late Headmaster's will are specific and unbreakable: if either of you leave the estate for a period of more than one week before I have received a jointly signed note from you indicating that you have agreed to share the estate henceforth and forevermore, then the party who is absent will forfeit his claim on the estate and the money which accompanies it. You should also be aware that certain magical protections have been placed on the dwelling and grounds, both to protect your privacy and your persons, even from each other. Death is also considered a forfeit, although Mr. Dumbledore was quite, quite direct in stating that murder was a forfeit as well, and the estate would then revert to St. Sinian's Home for Epymonyous Equines.  
  
If there are any matters which require my attention, such as advancement of additional funds for maintenance and upkeep of the estate, please contact my office during normal business hours.  
  
Yours,  
Amica Curae, Esquire  
London  
  


* * *

  
  
[Letter written on plain, cheap parchment, folded and tucked into an envelope, and marked "Lupin"; left on the parlor mantle. Dated October 20, 1998]  
  
Lupin,  
  
I have selected the second bedroom on the left on the third floor. I have also decided to use the nursery on the third floor as a workroom. Those are my rooms, and I will not tolerate any intrusion into either of them. In fact, you may consider the entire third floor off-limits. There are bedrooms on the second floor; I suggest you confine yourself to one of those.  
  
I will take breakfast between five and six o'clock in the morning; I will take lunch between eleven and twelve o'clock; I will dine at five o'clock in the evening. I expect you to avoid the kitchen during those times.  
  
I will arrange to have my own groceries delivered, and I will label them. You will not use them.  
  
Likewise, you will not use any toiletries, linens, clothing, or anything else in this house that is mine. You will be responsible for purchasing and restocking whatever you require yourself.  
  
You will be responsible for your own laundry and cleaning up your own messes. I will not tolerate an untidy house. Nor will I clean up after you. If I find clutter belonging to you outside your chosen bedroom and toilet, I will discard it.  
  
I will not take meals or tea with you. I will not be available for companionship or conversation. I do not wish to be disturbed - ever. Your presence in this house is unwelcome, and the sooner you are gone, the better. After the decades I spent in his service and the sacrifices I made for him, Albus should have left the entire estate to me, and I will have it. In the meantime, the less I have to endure your presence or any evidence thereof, the better.  
  
Keep your distance, werewolf, or you will regret it.  
  
  
S. Snape  
  


* * *

  
  
[Letter written on pressed vellum, folded in half and propped up on the parlor mantle. Morning, October 21, 1998]  
  
Severus,  
  
I, for one, have too much respect for his wisdom to question his judgment in this, but Albus' disposal of the estate aside, I'm sorry you are inconvenienced by my presence, and I will do my best to make our cohabitation as painless for you as possible. Unfortunately, I am in rather desperate need of the legacy Albus left to us, having no other source of income or means of support, and so I can't leave as you wish. But rest assured, I'm not out to provoke your ire or make your life a misery. I think we've both suffered a bit too much in the last few years, don't you? I am ready to enjoy the end of the war and the rest of my life without having to worry about where my next meal is coming from.  
  
Per your suggestion, I've taken the master suite on the second floor, since you didn't want it. Luckily for me, the closet has a charm which cleans all clothes placed within it. Isn't that delightful? I would also like to take the conservatory on the ground floor in back as my study, since I plan to occupy my time writing a history of both Wars and the role of Dumbledore and the Order in them, as a sort of a tribute to him. If you'd like to contribute your viewpoint so the real truth can be told, I would welcome your input.  
  
I've also arranged for food delivery, and if you see anything in the cupboard that you like, you're certainly free to take it. Ditto if you run out of any necessities, such as toothpaste, soap, shampoo, chocolate, or tea. If you change your mind about companionship or conversation, please feel free to seek me out. No need to stand on ceremony at all.  
  
Oh, in case you are worried, I have already located the room where I will spend my monthly transformations. I'm not certain if Albus' family had a werewolf in the closet or perhaps something even less savory, but there was a room below ground with magical enchantments already in place, perfect for my needs. There is even a soundproofing charm, so your rest won't be disturbed.  
  
Let me know if you need anything. Or if you change your mind.  
  
Yours,  
Remus  
  


* * *

  
  
[Excerpt from Severus' private journal. October 22]  
  
This is intolerable. All I wanted if I survived the damned war was to be left alone, and Albus damned well knew that. Why he foisted the werewolf on me, I will never understand. What the hell did Lupin ever do? I am the one who risked my life to gain information, and I am the one - the only one - who was strong enough to do what Albus wanted in the end, even though it meant ruining both my life and my reputation. He damned well knew I couldn't possibly have anything resembling a normal life after that; the least he could have done was left me enough money to run off to Bermuda and live out the rest of my life in peace rather than forcing me to live under the same roof as Lupin.  
  
I suppose I could leave and let Lupin have everything, but that is hardly practical. I have no money, no friends, and no prospects. I haven't even enough money of my own to afford the fare to Dover, much less to start over far away from here. What the Ministry didn't confiscate went to pay legal fees during that damned trial.  
  
Lupin did nothing but cause trouble and complications for years, and a few months of romping in the forest with his own kind under the guise of "spying" does not entitle him to a single knut, much less half the estate. I need this money. It is mine. I earned it, and I will have it.  
  


* * *

  
  
[Left on the mantle, October 22]  
  
Lupin,  
  
You seem to be laboring under the misapprehension that I give a damn about what you have suffered or under what circumstances you have lived. You are accustomed to poverty; I have no qualms about sending you back to that familiar state. I want to be left in peace by you, your so-called allies, and the rest of the world. I have had enough of people, and I will not continue to suffer your presence for long.  
  
Take the conservatory if you must, but do not expect me to contribute to your inane little project. I have nothing to say on the subject or to you. If you want my perspective, read the trial transcripts, but do not pester me about it.  
  
I will inspect the underground room myself. I will not stand for having my life endangered once a month because of your usual carelessness about your condition.  
  
I will not touch any of your food or toiletries or anything else that belongs to you. Nor will I change my mind about company or conversation. If I must couch it in terms even a Gryffindor can understand: fuck off.  
  
  
S. Snape  
  


* * *

  
  
[Letter written on the back of a Chinese take-away menu, left on the mantle. October 23]  
  
Severus,  
  
Well, I suppose you have been perfectly clear on all points. I stand by my offer, however. Call me a stupid optimist, but there you have it.  
  
Let me know your opinion of the room and if there are any modifications you suggest. As you said, it's your life, and as I've never yet turned another human, I'd not like you to be the first.  
  
By the way, I'm ordering Chinese on Friday. This place has absolutely amazing food. If you enjoy it, I suggest you try them. They are Wizard owned and deliver via Floo.  
  
Yours,  
Remus  
  


* * *

  
  
[Excerpt from Severus' personal journal. October 24]  
  
I swear if Lupin does not leave me alone, I will hex him to Hell and back, protective charms or no. I do not want that hypocritical little rug chattering at me or offering food or even breathing the same air. His very presence in the house is obnoxious to me, and the sooner he is gone, the better.  
  


* * *

  
  
[Letter in an envelope containing the shredded remnants of the take-away menu, left on the mantle. October 24]  
  
I have examined the room and deemed it secure.  
  
You were early in the kitchen this morning by two minutes and infringed on my breakfast. Do not do so again.  
  
  
  
S. Snape  
  


* * *

  
  
[Excerpt from MS entitled _An Order for War - Albus Dumbledore and the Wizarding Wars_ by R. J. Lupin]  
  
.... Of course, one of the greatest enigmas in both the first and second Wars was the relationship between Albus Dumbledore and the man who was the instrument of his death, Severus Snape. While Snape's role during the first war was seemingly explained by Dumbledore himself at the trials of the captured Death Eaters following that fateful Halloween night in 1981, there were many unanswered questions about Severus Snape's loyalties which colored the next decade and a half, and which, indeed, caused some to doubt Dumbledore's sanity for his seeming blindness to a man whom many considered to be still in league with the forces of Darkness. Indeed, these naysayers were the first to step forward after Dumbledore's death and decry Snape's actions as complete proof of his guilt; yet the events of history have once again seemed to prove that Albus Dumbledore was right all along. Despite Dumbledore's own words, however, Severus Snape still went on trial, and even his vindication did not completely dispel the cloud of suspicion. It seems likely, in fact, that Severus Snape will always remain an enigma - especially as the man himself makes no apologies and refuses to cast light on the darkness of our collective ignorance.  
  
  


* * *

  
  
[Letter scrawled on a napkin embossed with 'Woo's China Palace' and left on the kitchen table next to a salt-and-pepper set shaped like a knight and a dragon. 25 October]  
  
Severus -  
  
Sorry you missed the Kung Pao chicken; it was delightful.  
  
I'm glad the room is secure, and I'll not trouble you on the moon. I found that howling has lost me more roommates than leaving the toilet seat up (and that's a joke, just in case you decide to read too deeply into it).  
  
My clock must be fast; I've set it back by five minutes to make certain I don't intrude on your time. And speaking of intrusions, Minerva is coming over for dinner next Sunday. You're welcome to join us, if you'd like. I'm sure she'd love to talk to you, since she, for one, always believed in your innocence, perhaps because she knew Albus so well.  
  
Leftovers in the fridge. Just so you know.  
  
Yours,  
Remus  
  


* * *

  
  
[Letter left on the mantle. October 26]  
  
How dare you invite someone into my home without consulting me? We have not discussed guests, and while I am frankly shocked you have any in the first place, I am most displeased you did not tell me you intended to bring people here before extending said invitation. It is rude and appalling, exactly the sort of inconsiderate behavior I should have expected.  
  
I have no desire to speak to your guest. I find it impossible to believe your claim that she - or anyone else for that matter - believed in my innocence. I have both eyes and ears, and I know what everyone truly thought. I have no use for any of them now.  
  
If you must persist in your plans, then I expect it to be quiet, and I expect the house to be clean when I go downstairs the following morning. When I said I would discard any clutter, it was not an idle threat.  
  
  
S. Snape  
  


* * *

  
  
[Note penned on a receipt for a large quantity of tea from 'Oslo's Finest Herbals', left next to Severus' mug in the cabinet. October 27]  
  
Severus -  
  
Sorry I didn't consult you before inviting an old friend and colleague of both of ours into our home. You are correct; I should have, but I rather foolishly assumed that in the natural course of events, both of us would have visitors. I do beg your pardon, however, and in future, I will make certain to give you timely enough notification that if you have conflicting plans, you may register them. As I said before, I have no desire to irritate you. On the contrary, I know that raising your ire would be not only stupid, but quite possibly painful as well.  
  
It seems it would also be foolish to try to convince you that you did have your supporters, but if you would read the documentation submitted at both your trial and mine, you would see the truth. If the truth interests you, that is. I know sometimes it's easier just to clutch at your own misconceptions because they are safer.  
  
Alas, I will tell Minerva that our plans to play raucous disco music and do the limbo to bongo drums are off. I suppose we'll just have to settle for tea and conversation, which will no doubt disappoint her greatly. And I'll be certain to banish our trash before I stagger up to my room, overwhelmed from an evening of far too much indulgence.  
  
Yours,  
Remus  
  


* * *

  
  
[Letter left on the mantle. Late afternoon, October 27]  
  
There is no one who would be interested in visiting me, and there is no one whom I would be interested in having visit. Therefore, it will not be an issue as far as I am concerned. If you intend to have people traipsing in and out of my house on a regular basis, then I expect to be informed well in advance as you detailed in your previous missive.  
  
Do not presume to lecture me about misapprehensions. You know nothing of me or my situation. Your flippancy makes it clear you have no respect for either, and I am not amused by your attitude or your puerile attempts at humor.  
  
  
S. Snape  
  
PS - I found hair on the sofa. It was not mine. Clean it up.  
  


* * *

  
  
[letter on parchment left on the kitchen table. Early morning, 28 October]  
  
Severus -  
  
I shall indeed inform you of any future visitors well in advance, so long as they are known to me. Perhaps this is a good time to mention that Hallowe'en is in three days; if we receive any tiny ghosts or ghouls, I shall be more than happy to answer the door and dole out their treats. In fact, I've already obtained said treats in anticipation, assuming that with your previously stated wishes, you'd not want to do it. If I am wrong, do let me know.  
  
My flippancy indicates only that, having walked a mile in your shoes to a certain extent, I find that the best way to deal with my issues is to try to make light of them. Were you to laugh at my faults, you'd no doubt find me chuckling right along with you. What else can I do? The alternative is to cry about them, and that just makes my nose run and leaves my face splotchy, a most unattractive sight indeed. Puerile though my humor is, it does allow me to wake up each morning and get on with living rather than curling in on myself to die. I have a great deal of respect for you, Severus; you're a survivor, and given what you've gone through, that means a lot. It shows you are not weak for allowing yourself to be crushed by your circumstances. Merlin knows a lesser man would have been.  
  
I cleaned up the hair on the sofa. Sorry, it must have gotten there when I unexpectedly fell asleep there night before last.  
  
Yours,  
Remus  
  
PS - The last few nights I've been awoken by some very odd sounds from upstairs. Lycanthrope hearing, you know. I do hope there isn't a problem, but if there is, please know I'm always willing to help.  
  


* * *

  
  
[Letter left on the mantle. Late afternoon, October 28]  
  
Do not presume to compare yourself to me or your situation to mine.  
  
I have taken measures to make certain you will not hear any sounds in future.  
  
  
S. Snape  
  


* * *

  
  
[Excerpt from MS entitled _An Order for War - Albus Dumbledore and the Wizarding Wars_ , by R. J. Lupin]  
  
...Although the Order of the Phoenix was disbanded at the end of the first war and the members went their separate ways in an attempt to put back together the fragments of their lives, they still shared a common belief that Voldemort hadn't been completely destroyed. Dumbledore did not try to squelch this belief; in fact, he began to make plans in secret, plans which would lay the foundation for the Order to be reactivated if - no, indeed, when - the need arose. Not the least of these plans was to retain Severus Snape as Potions Master at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. It has been speculated by many that Dumbledore actually wished to keep an eye on Snape, proving his lack of trust for the former Death Eater by refusing to appoint him to the position of professor of Defense Against the Dark Arts, lest Snape be lured back into his old ways. In fact, Dumbledore knew the position was cursed, and that no professor could be retained in it for more than a year. He needed Snape around for far longer than that, because Snape could do something that no one else in the Order could do. He, and he alone, bore the Dark Mark, and through that, he would be able to warn Dumbledore the moment the lingering, un-living essence of what had once been Lord Voldemort gained enough strength to stage his return.  
  


* * *

  
  
[Note left on the kitchen table. Early morning, October 29]  
  
Severus -  
  
Whether I make comparisons between us or not doesn't change the facts of either of our situations. You're an intelligent man, so I'll merely leave you to draw your own logical conclusions.  
  
By the way, I wasn't complaining about the noise so much as saying that if you have a problem, I am willing to offer any assistance I can. Yes, I know you are a perfectly capable wizard, and I am in no way calling your competence into question. I am merely willing to provide help if you need it, even if it is no more than a set of willing ears (or eyes, I suppose, given the nonverbal state of our interactions). No man is an island, as the saying goes.  
  
Yours,  
Remus  
  


* * *

  
  
[Note magically stuck to Remus' door. October 30]  
  
You have placed two tins of your tea on the same shelf as my tea. Remove yours at once.  
  
  
S. Snape  
  


* * *

  
  
[Note stuck on Severus' tea tin. 31 October]  
  
Severus -  
  
Moved.  
  
Happy Hallowe'en!  
  
Yours,  
Remus  
  
PS - I'm sorry for coming into the kitchen while you were still there this morning, but I am very certain it was 6:15. You seemed not yourself, as though you weren't sleeping well. Remember that my offer still stands, if there is something on your mind. Sometimes just saying something out loud (or writing it down, as the case may be) can help you sort out your thoughts.  
  


* * *

  
  
[Note stuck to Remus' door. October 31]  
  
You did not rinse out the sink after breakfast. I found tea leaves and bits of egg all over. Do not let it happen again.  
  
  
S. Snape  
  
  


* * *

  
  
[Note tied to a bunch of pure white lilies, left in a slight depression in the ground before the ruins of a house in Godric's Hollow]  
  
To absent friends,  
May grief surcease,  
God let your souls  
Rest in eternal peace.  
  
RJL  
  


* * *

  
  
THE QUIBBLER  
(Headline article, Special Edition)  
October 31, 1998  
  
BIZARRE LIGHTS SEEN OVER SCOTLAND  
The Quibbler has interviewed several eye witnesses who claim to have seen odd floating lights in the sky over a remote area of the Scottish Highlands early this evening. While some claim it was merely an overflight of migrating dragons, everyone knows that dragons don't migrate at this time of year. It is our belief that now that the Dark Lord has finally been defeated, it is, in fact, the long-awaited return of The Gryte Neep, a legendary figure which hasn't been seen since just after Grindelwald's defeat. Further investigation is certainly called for, since the children of Scotland are no doubt anxious for the return of the generous Neep and his presents...  
  


* * *

  
  
[Note left on the mantle. Late evening, October 31. It is attached to a small black bag containing chocolate frogs and Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans]  
  
Severus -  
  
Sorry that my rinsing job was inadequate; I was distracted by an article in the Quibbler. I've rectified the situation, hopefully to your satisfaction. I also mopped the floor and dusted the entire downstairs in recompense.  
  
I hope you enjoy the treats. By the way, there is some cocoa in the cabinet which I use when I am having trouble sleeping. Feel free to indulge should you need it.  
  
Yours,  
Remus  
  


* * *

  
  
  
[Note left on the mantle along with the unopened bag of sweets. November 1]  
  
Stop pestering me, Lupin. You are a nuisance and a slob, and I am tired of constantly keeping after you to keep my house in decent condition. Just do whatever you must, clean up after yourself, and leave me alone.  
  
  
S. Snape  
  


* * *

  
  
[Note left on the kitchen table, afternoon. November 1]  
  
Severus -  
  
Sorry the treats weren't to your liking. But I must protest your characterization of me as a slob; I have done my fair share of cleaning, and one or two isolated incidents hardly constitute being a slob. Nor do making perfectly civil overtures constitute pestering. I can only assume it is a lack of sleep which is contributing to your increasingly ill humor; it's unfortunate, and I do wish you would allow me to help.  
  
Yours,  
Remus  
  
  


* * *

  
  
[Excerpt from Severus' personal journal. November 3]  
  
Foolishly, I thought there were limits to Gryffindor thick-headedness, but living with Lupin has shown I was wrong. I have told him repeatedly that I wish to be left alone, and I have ignored his prattling notes. Yet he persists in pestering me no matter how clear I make it that his overtures are unwelcome.  
  
The worst part is he has noticed my problem, and now he is constantly offering his assistance - as if I would ever believe him sincerely interested in my welfare. Perhaps he is simply worried that I will keel over, and he will be accused of trying to off me for the money.  
  
If I do not tell him, he will keep asking even though it is none of his damned business, and there is nothing he can do about it. Even if there were, I would not accept help from him. I suppose it is too much to hope he will shut the hell up and drop the subject, not when he keeps bringing it up. I suppose I had best tell him and get it over with. As much as I loathe admitting any weakness, especially to him, perhaps when he sees it is neither life-threatening nor anything that can be remedied, he will leave me alone at last.  
  


* * *

  
  
[Note left on the mantle. November 3. There are blotches of ink on the parchment, as if the quill was held over it and allowed to drip. The parchment itself is wrinkled, as if it had been crumpled and later smoothed out. The handwriting seems a trifle unsteady.]  
  
I have nightmares, nothing more. I do not require your assistance.  
  
  


* * *

  
  
[Note left on the mantle. Evening, November 3]  
  
Severus -  
  
Well, it's not surprising you'd have nightmares, given what you've been through. You've survived things that would have destroyed a lesser man. Just know that if you ever do need my assistance, it's available.  
  
The full moon is tomorrow; I shall endeavor to be as quiet as possible to avoid disturbing you.  
  
Yours,  
Remus  
  


* * *

  
  
[Note inked in the margin of an MS entitled _An Order for War - Albus Dumbledore and the Wizarding Wars_ , by R. J. Lupin]  
  
The war cost people too much... Nightmares? What nightmares could he be having? Whatever they are, they must be horrific... How unfair it is, in a way, not to be the dead hero but the alive, unacknowledged hero...  
  
  


* * *

  
  
[Note left on the mantle. Morning, November 4]  
  
What part of "I do not need your assistance" and "leave me alone" fails to permeate your thick skull? I do not need or desire any assistance from you or anyone else. My problems are my own affair, and I will deal with them as I see fit. Stop bothering me, and stop pretending you have any shred of understanding or sympathy. In case you have forgotten, there are decades worth of negligence that have proven otherwise. I do not give a damn that we are trapped by circumstance in this house together; it does not mean we must fraternize with one another, and I have no intention of doing so. Go and pester your friends. They might want your companionship; I do not.  
  
  
S. Snape  
  


* * *

  
  
[Note left on the mantle. Late evening, November 5. The handwriting is rather shaky]  
  
Severus -  
  
I think I have more sympathy for suffering than you might believe. As for past negligence, I can only apologize and point out that I doubt you would have been any more receptive to my overtures in the past than you are now, but perhaps that doesn't excuse me for not trying harder. I know you don't care, but I do. Whether you want my companionship or not, that doesn't change my offer of it. Whether you take it or not is, of course, your own choice.  
  
Yours,  
Remus  
  


* * *

  
[Note left on the mantle. November 6]  
  
I see. My possible lack of receptivity to your overtures is what kept you from reining in your friends, even when you were a prefect. It kept you from revealing you knew Black was an Animagus and thus could enter the school undetected. It kept you from drinking the Wolfsbane, thus endangering the lives of everyone in the school. It kept you from not encouraging Longbottom so that the story of his boggart appearing in my shape, wearing women's clothing, didn't sweep through the school like wildfire. Had I known saying "hello" once in a while would have prevented all of that, perhaps I might have made a greater effort to be receptive to your overtures.  
  
I choose not to accept your offer. Go and pester your friends. I am certain Miss Tonks in particular would value your company far more highly than I do.  
  
  
S. Snape  
  


* * *

  
[Note left on the mantle. Early morning, November 7]  
  
Severus -  
  
Since you brought up the past, please allow me to address your points. First, yes, I do doubt that you would have been receptive to my overtures in school, although that is not why I didn't rein in my friends or why I didn't reveal Sirius' abilities. For those two, all I can say is that I acted in a selfish manner that I have been paying for ever since. I did it out of a need I felt to protect myself, knowing that in many ways, Sirius, James, and Peter had more control over my fate than I did myself, given that they knew my secret and could have destroyed me by revealing it. Was it wrong of me to be selfish in that fashion? Yes, it was. It was even more wrong of me not to have told Albus about Sirius being an Animagus, although I think the habit of keeping secrets and protecting myself is one that died very hard, even though I knew it was selfish and wrong. I was made to pay for all of it, however, although I hold no bitterness now for that fact. In a way, it was rather liberating; a secret revealed, I have found, no longer had as much power to control me with fear as it once had.  
  
As far as Neville's boggart, all I can say is that the I was trying to teach the boy, and I'm sorry, but your dignity or lack thereof never entered my mind when I was trying to show a terrified boy that fear shouldn't be allowed to control his life. If you lost face in that, I am very sorry, but to be honest, it never occurred to me that you'd give a bloody damn what the children thought of you. In fact, you always made it painfully clear that you didn't care what anyone thought of you; if that was merely an act, it was a very good one, and I apologize again for not realizing it wasn't the case.  
  
With regard to Tonks, I spend no time with her now, nor do I have any desire to do so. I never did, although once again my abominable habit of, unlike you, caring far too much what people think of me led me into not being as forceful as I should have been in the matter. Which is unfortunate, because my interest doesn't lie with her or with any woman, for that matter. Fortunately, she came to the realization that we were unsuited quite on her own once I finally agreed to 'try a relationship'. Actual practice demonstrated far more satisfactorily than my protests alone ever could.  
  
Hopefully this clears up a few things; however, I am quite certain that any apology I might offer, no matter how sincere, can't make up for the past. For that, too, I am sorry. If there was a way I could change the past, I would. You have no idea how many times I've wished it were possible.  
  
Yours,  
Remus  



	2. Chapter 2

[Note left on the mantle. November 9]

 

You have no idea how receptive or not I might have been. Do not presume you know or understand me to the point of being able to predict what I would have done. You are neither intelligent nor insightful enough for that.

As for the rest, at least you realize you are selfish, although you left off the part about being a coward as well.

I never cared what anyone thought, particularly those spotty faced brats. However, I strove to cultivate a certain demeanor and reputation, which you undermined by giving the little snots something to laugh at me about. I did not care whether they liked me, but I did care whether they respected or feared me enough to pay attention.

Do you have any idea how difficult it was to generate any interest in potions? There were no sparks or light shows, thus it was boring with nothing shiny enough to attract their shallow minds long enough to learn anything, despite the fact that what I had to teach could save their lives. I had a difficult time as it was without you making it worse.

 

S. Snape

* * *

[Note inked in the margin of an MS entitled _An Order for War - Albus Dumbledore and the Wizarding Wars_ , by R. J. Lupin]

This is going nowhere. I don't understand... well, of course I don't. Everyone is vulnerable, though... Everyone needs forgiveness. Don't they? Even people who were once afraid to do what was right? I started off craving that absolution, but I find myself suddenly hungering something more...

* * *

[letter left with a tray containing a pot of cocoa and two cinnamon scones, placed in front of Severus' bedroom door in the middle of the night, November 9, and alerted to by a knocking charm]

Severus -

Before you get upset, I didn't come up to the third floor to deliver this. I levitated it up, recalling your order that I am not to ascend to your level, as it were. The reason for the cocoa and scones is that I heard you pacing, and I thought perhaps it might help you to sleep.

To reply to your earlier missive... Yes, I have been a coward in the past. I hope that I am past it now, however. I make no excuses for that; it was wrong, but I have learned to not let fear control me. Even as much of a dolt as you consider me to be, I do eventually learn.

Well, usually.

I don't think you have to worry about the students at Hogwarts not fearing you; with the single exception of Harry, I believe all of them did, and many of them, years later and full grown, still do. If you wished to leave that lasting impression upon them, you did so successfully.

I didn't mean to make your job worse; again, I apologize for that. I did and still do find potions fascinating, perhaps because they are so subtle. Unfortunately, my lycanthropy and the various allergies to certain ingredients that entails limited my options in the field. But as I recall, there were a few students who did show promise even during my time there. Perhaps the others, if they couldn't see the benefit of what you were offering, lacked the insight or wisdom to realize it.

I hope your sleep becomes easier.

Yours,  
Remus

* * *

[Note left on the mantle. November 11]

I fail to understand why you persist in trying to explain yourself to me, to force attentions on me, and to continue pestering me when I have repeatedly said such is not welcome. You claim to be capable of learning, yet you prove obtuse in this matter, leaving me to wonder why. Just because we inhabit the same house does not mean we must interact or get on. The house is big enough that we may avoid each other easily.

S. Snape

* * *

[Note left on the mantle. November 12]

Severus -

I'm not sure, either. Maybe I really am an idiot, since oddly enough, I seem to have begun caring about what you think of me. Or rather, about changing your opinion, since you have been quite clear about the current state of your regard.

By the way, the holidays are fast approaching. I would like to purchase a small tree and put up some decorations. May I place them in the parlor, or should I limit myself to my own study?

Yours,  
Remus

* * *

[Note left on the mantle. November 13]

If you care what I think of you, you are indeed an idiot. You should stop behaving toward me as you behaved toward Black and Potter; I will not be your "pack" or whatever it is you are seeking with me simply because I am convenient. My opinion will not change.

As for the decorations, do as you will. I will avoid the parlor if they are too gaudy and obnoxious. Do not expect me to be festive or celebrate the season with you.

 

S. Snape

* * *

[Letter left on the mantle. November 14]

Severus -

Believe me, I am not behaving toward you as I did toward Sirius and James, nor am I looking to make you part of my (non-existent) pack; with you, perhaps I am looking more for forgiveness than acceptance. I may have let them down in small ways during my life, but I never failed them as I failed you. Not that I'm not saying I wouldn't like being friends with you, or, if that is too much to aspire to, at least being non-hostile acquaintances. But I am fully aware that I've done things which have caused you to suffer, and I wish I could make that up to you, even though I know it's impossible.

Lest you think I am motivated solely by a sense of guilt, let me assure you that isn't the case. You are a fascinating man, Severus. I would be both more blind and far more stupid than even you credit me with being if I didn't realize that, and I wish to get to know you better.

Thank you for your indulgence on the decorations. They will be neither gaudy nor obnoxious. I suppose I just want to mark the season as being special, with the war having ended and blessed freedom finally at hand.

Yours,  
Remus

* * *

[Excerpt from Severus' personal journal. Evening, November 15]

One would think after all this time, I would no longer care whether anyone apologized, admitted they were wrong, or acknowledged the burdens that have been placed on me since my youth. To hear someone - anyone - say "Yes, I know, and I understand" scarcely seems possible, and yet, that is what Lupin has said.

It is ironic that I was alleged to have sought attention and recognition. I am not certain who began the rumor that I craved the Order of Merlin, although I would not be surprised if Albus was behind it to explain what happened at the end of Lupin's term at Hogwarts. It was not a bit of shiny metal I wanted. It was justice, old and new. It was acknowledgment that I was right. It was not to feel as if I had failed in my duty to protect the denizens of Hogwarts because Harry damned Potter was above following the rules.

What I wanted was to atone for my past mistakes and to make the world a right and orderly place. What I wanted was for someone to say "You did a good job. Thank you." I kept trying, doing everything he asked no matter what the cost, and it was never enough. Others received his attention and praise for far less effort.

I do not know whom I mean by "he": my grandfather, the Dark Lord, or Albus. It is true of them all.

* * *

[Letter left on the mantle. Middle of the night, November 16]

You have the dubious distinction of being the only person who ever came close to acknowledging fault where I am concerned; everyone else is content to cast me as the villain. Even Albus never acknowledged the weight of the burdens he placed on me, although I have no doubt he was aware of them. Perhaps he assumed I was strong enough not to require such acknowledgment. Then again, people have always had a way of making assumptions about me.

I would find guilt easier to understand than fascination. Again, you have the distinction of being the only one to think such of me.

As for the decorations and the season, I find no cause for celebration nor anything special about it, and I have no interest in seeing garland and fairy lights strewn everywhere. The war may be over, but freedom is relative.

 

S. Snape

* * *

[Note left on the kitchen table. Morning, November 17]

Severus -

I will try not to make assumptions in the future, as hard as that can be. But I do acknowledge, freely, both my fault and my fascination. 

I promise to keep the decorations to a minimum. And yes, I do understand about freedom not being all that it might seem. As a Muggle song from our youth said, sometimes all it means is that you have nothing left to lose.

Just to let you know, I will be away tomorrow, possibly overnight. I have to go to St. Mungo's to have some tests done. No doubt you will enjoy the peace and quiet.

Yours,  
Remus

* * *

[Note stuck to Remus' bedroom door. November 19]

What sort of tests, and why were they necessary?

* * *

[Note left on the kitchen table. Late afternoon, November 19]

Severus -

Nothing to be concerned about, really. I'm a werewolf approaching forty, and as you know, there are various physiological conditions which can begin to affect werewolves of that age, especially ones who have been infected as long as I have. I also spent a year living feral, then several months incarcerated; I've found the transformations increasingly painful over the past year, and I just wanted to make certain I wasn't developing arthritis or any other degenerative condition.

I hope you are managing to get some sleep. If the cocoa helps, please take all you need.

Yours,  
Remus

* * *

[Note left on the mantle. November 20]

Don't be stupid. Cocoa is not a useful remedy against insomnia or nightmares.

In what ways has the transformation become more painful? Have you developed symptoms of arthritis? Symptoms of other conditions? Are the Healers concerned, or was this a routine examination?

* * *

[Note scribbled in the margin of an MS entitled _An Order for War - Albus Dumbledore and the Wizarding Wars_ ]

If I were a more hopeful man, I'd think he actually cared.

* * *

[Letter left on the kitchen table. Morning, November 21]

Severus -

According to my Mum, there is nothing chocolate can't cure. I shall be very wounded to find out she was wrong!

I've been having far more joint pain and stiffness following my transformations, yes. The Healers say that I probably will develop arthritis at some point, but for the moment, just making certain that I take it easy on the day after the moon, specifically by staying warm and moving as little as possible for twelve to twenty-four hours, will suffice. Other than that, they think I'm fine, or as fine as someone who has been a werewolf for thirty-five years can expect to be. I've been put on some dietary supplements, as well. Apparently my time in Greyback's pack and my dislike of the feral diet has led to some malnutrition. And here I thought I was only missing my morning tea.

Yours,  
Remus

* * *

[Note left on the mantle. Afternoon, November 21]

Your mother was wrong.

What sort of dietary supplements have you been given? Doubtless anything you received from St. Mungo's is swill. I suppose it would be best for all concerned if I began brewing the Wolfsbane Potion for you again. I will no longer have to worry about you breaking free of the room and ripping my throat out, and you may gain some relief post-transformation. If not, I have a salve meant to work on arthritic joints. It provides heat, and I have tweaked it so that it penetrates deeper than the weak, watered-down rubbish from the apothecary.

* * *

[Letter left on the mantle, which has been decorated with a tasteful evergreen garland tied with blue and silver bows. Evening, November 21]

Severus -

Well, my heart is broken, if you must know. If one can't rely on the wisdom of one's Mum, what is there left to believe in?

Other than you, of course. Thank you, your offer of the Wolfsbane is not only appreciated, but I wish to do something to pay you back for the trouble as well. I am also very grateful for the offer of the salve; on the morning after, I sometimes think the creaking of my joints could wake the dead. At the least, I have gotten some annoyed looks from a few of the portraits.

My dietary supplements are mostly herbals; the bottles are in the cupboard in the kitchen, if you'd like to take a look. I would appreciate your advice, as well, if there is anything you believe they have overlooked. I know that your expertise in potions is far superior to most Healers.

Thanks again. I am definitely in your debt.

Yours,  
Remus

* * *

[Note left on the kitchen table along with a half-empty cobalt blue jar with a hand-made label reading "joint salve" in Severus' distinctive script. November 22]

Here is the salve. It should help with any joint pain after the transformation as well as if you have twinges during certain types of weather. I will provide more when you run out.

There is no need to take so many supplement pills. I can brew a tonic that will provide what you need in one daily dose, and it will be more efficacious than what the Healers have provided.

I do not need or want recompense, but if you wish to pay me back, taking that "rocking around the tree" song out of your seasonal music rotation would be a start.

 

S. Snape

* * *

[Letter left on the kitchen table. Morning, November 23]

Severus -

Thank you for the joint salve; it worked fabulously. I used some last night before bed on my shoulders and knees, and I woke completely pain-free for the first time in months. If you were ever interested in marketing and selling your salve, you'd be very rich indeed!

Again, I am in your debt, and I would be very grateful for the tonic. I find swallowing all those pills very tedious, but drinking a single glass of something would be much easier. I've no doubt that anything you make would be much better than what I was given at St. Mungo's.

"Rocking Around the Christmas Tree" has been removed from my collection, as well as all other songs by that artist and other songs which resemble it from a musical standpoint. So you see how grateful I am for everything you have done. If there is anything else, please do let me know.

Yours,  
Remus

* * *

[Note left on the kitchen table. November 25]

I already am very rich indeed, especially since I have no intention of moving out and leaving you with the entire estate, thus I have no need or desire to sell my salve. I have had my fill of dealing with people for one lifetime, and becoming a tradesman would be as bad as, if not worse than being a teacher.

Your tonic will be ready in a few days. I have been preparing the recipe; now I must order a few ingredients which I do not already have in stock.

As I said, I do not need or want recompense; that you removed the obnoxious "song" is enough. The research and preparation of the tonic has given me something productive to do ["in the middle of the night" has been scratched out].

 

S. Snape

* * *

[Letter propped on the mantle. November 26]

Severus -

True, you are very rich indeed; I tend to have a hard time remembering that we both are. Having lived on so little for so long, having what I want when I want it is something that I've still not grown used to. I doubt I ever shall!

With respect to the salve, I did notice that the jar was half full. Have you been having any difficulties of your own? If you will excuse my inquisitiveness (and no, I know you won't, but I will ask regardless), perhaps if you are having pain, it might be contributing to your nightmares? I cannot help but notice that you are often up late at night. If you ever feel like company, do come knock on my door. I'm often up very late myself.

Thank you again for the tonic. I'll find a way to repay you somehow! 

Yours,  
Remus

* * *

[Note left on the kitchen table. November 29. Once again, the parchment is wrinkled as if it had been wadded up, and there are numerous scratch-outs.]

The nightmares have nothing to do with why I require the salve. In my time as a double agent, I took a certain amount of curse damage that has had lingering effects. I am not up late because of the curse damage, however. I sleep little because I wish to avoid the nightmares and because I have insomnia. I see no reason to inflict my sleeplessness on someone else, thus I will remain in my own quarters.

And I repeat: I do not want repayment. I do not want an overeager werewolf with delusions of honor following me around, attempting to repay a non-existent debt.

 

S. Snape

* * *

[Letter left on the kitchen table. Early morning, November 30]

Severus -

Curse damage? I've heard that repeated exposure to things like Cruciatus can cause long-term difficulties. I'm sorry that you've been the victim of such. I suppose in a way, it's not unlike my own lingering pain from my curse. As to the insomnia, that's very difficult, I'm sure. I've rarely had to deal with it myself and definitely nothing long term, but I would assume the accumulated effects combined with your pain is a combination that is incredibly unpleasant. 

Very well, I will not continue to irritate you about the matter of repayment. But I am grateful, and as you have helped to ease my difficulty and pain, I would not find it any burden at all to offer company if you ever require it on those nights when darkness - any Darkness - might be drawing in too closely.

Yours,  
Remus

* * *

[Excerpt from MS entitled _An Order for War - Albus Dumbledore, Severus Snape, and the Wizarding Wars_ , by R. J. Lupin]

There are brutalities to war, prices which are paid that can't be felt or seen by anyone except those who pay them. There are scars no eye can detect, suffering which continues long after the battles are over and the medals are handed out, after the losers are dead and buried, and the winners go home to their rewards. The blood spilt on the battlefield isn't the only suffering, nor, perhaps, even the largest part of it. Indeed, even those who seem stoic and unaffected bear their marks and will bear them always in silence, their pain unknown to others. A loss of sleep, the presence of pain... it's the price of war that some people, heroes never remarked on or rewarded, will carry for the rest of their lives. And while the visible champions will be lauded, their pain given surcease, no one will know the suffering that marks men like Severus Snape.

* * *

[Note left on the kitchen table accompanied by a goblet. Morning, December 2.]

Here is your last dose for the month.

Yes, the combined effects are unpleasant. The damage is not merely from the Cruciatus. There are people on both sides of the war who are creative, shall we say, with their spell work, and I was a double target. As for the darkness, I have lived and dealt with it by myself for twenty-five years. I do not require anyone else's assistance.

 

S. Snape

* * *

[Note left on the mantle. Late evening, December 3]

Severus -

The Wolfsbane did its normal efficient job keeping the wolf at bay, and it was most pleasant to transform right in my own bed rather than having to worry about dragging myself upstairs or sleeping on a cold stone floor. Between the warmth and comfort and your excellent salve, I feel better today than I have after any transformation in years. 

You definitely got the worst of both worlds from the war, which is horribly unfair. Yes, I know that life is rarely fair, but it still seems to me that you deserve to be recognized for what you sacrificed and still continue to sacrifice. Unfortunately, I also know that as much as the populace needs heroes, they also need scapegoats. I think the price we both had to pay afterwards shows that being Dark in any way is a guarantee that heroism isn't something to which we can aspire.

I've been accused of being overly optimistic before and of seeing too much of the good in people. Those who have said such probably know me least well, since they never see just how hard it is to keep from giving in to the hopelessness that I have very often felt. Perhaps you're right, Severus; everyone can share the light, but we all walk in our Darkness alone.

Yours,  
Remus

* * *

[Note left on the kitchen table. December 4]

Many people feel I have not received what I deserve, but they are not thinking about recognition for my sacrifices. Believe me, I do not expect recognition, much less for my actions to be regarded as heroism. I have too ["much blood on my hands" is scratched out] many burdens to qualify. Best to leave that to Potter and his ilk.

You are overly optimistic. I have no use for optimism or hope. I have not been able to rely on either for decades, and I parted ways with them long since. I am alone whether in darkness or not, and I have accepted that fate.

That is why I want this house. It is large and secluded, and I need never see anyone again. I will be able to live the rest of my life in peace and quiet - alone.

 

S. Snape

* * *

[Excerpt from a balled up piece of parchment in the rubbish bin in Remus' study. There are many strike-throughs and inkblots]

Alone. Alone alone alone alone. He wants to be alone, and I... what do I want? Why must I communicate with him? Why do I worry? Why does he matter to me when all he wants is the one thing I don't want - eternal solitude? I thought... well, maybe. Hoped? Dreamed? Stupid. I'm definitely stupid, just as he said. It doesn't matter what I do. He doesn't want me around, he'll never forgive me, he'll never see me as anything but a monster. Why do I care? It shouldn't matter. 

It matters. It matters more than I ever could have imagined.

* * *

[Letter left on the mantle. December 5]

Severus -

I am going away for a few days, perhaps as much as a week. Perhaps you're right. I have been overly optimistic, and in ways that I am only now finding are probably even more futile than I had imagined. I suppose I need to think.

No matter what, though, don't forget that you are a hero. I may not know much, but I do know that.

Yours,  
Remus

* * *

[Letter written on December 6, never sent]

Lupin,

 

What the devil is going on now? What is all this "you need to think" nonsense? Is that some sort of euphemism for going back for more tests? If you're going to die, do me the courtesy of giving some advance warning so I won't be caught unawares when I find your corpse.

I am not best pleased by this. You put up decorations - and I meant to tell you to stop leaving notes in the parlor where I must subject myself to the sight of Christmas cheer - and then you run off and leave me stuck with seasonal decor. It is hardly fair, and you shouldn't be surprised to return and find it all chucked in the rubbish bin.

 

S. Snape

* * *

[List jotted on the back of an old receipt from Slug & Jiggers, crumpled up and thrown away on December 8]

bee pollen for immune system  
butcher's broom for circulation  
milk thistle for liver  
red clover (needed?)

for salve - comfrey and feverfew running low

n.b. Check Spirulina's _Herbology Compendium_ for source of vitamin C and calcium.

* * *

[letter written on December 9, never sent]

I could have you thrown out of the house for this, you know. You packed your bags and left, which could easily be interpreted as an intention to move out, and I'm certain I could find a lawyer who would agree. You're damned lucky I haven't begun proceedings to claim the estate as mine.

 

S. Snape

PS - I drank all your cocoa, and I have no intention of replacing it.

* * *

[letter written in the wee hours of the morning on December 12, never sent]

This is hardly fair. I had only just got used to talking to you, and now you've gone. You're no better than any of the rest of them; you get what you want from me, and then you're off. I should count myself lucky I hadn't done something so colossally stupid as develop any sort of attachment to you, but I knew this would happen.

I suppose, then, I ought to thank you for reminding me of a fundamental truth of my life: no one ever stays. Not my grandfather, not Albus. For all the pretty words used to lure me in, it's always the same in the end. I am always alone. I was in danger of forgetting that for a time thanks to you, but now I remember, and I shan't forget again.

I have always been an outsider and never more so than now; for all your prating about people forgiving me, I know better. I know how I am regarded, and I refuse to subject myself to that manner of scorn, loathing, and rejection. Enough is enough. I am tired, and while my life may not be much, I want to spend what is left of it in peace.

But I can have no peace while you are in this house, not when I find myself weakening when you are here and missing you when you leave. I cannot decide whom I hate more for it: you or myself.


	3. Chapter 3

[Letter left on the mantle, along with a package of expensive chocolates. December 12]

Severus -

I returned rather early this morning. I hope I didn't wake you;was trying very carefully to be silent. I noticed that the cocoa was gone; I do hope that it helped you to sleep. I've ordered more, and it should arrive this afternoon with my other foodstuffs.

I'm sure you found your peaceful time alone to be restful, and I'm sorry to be inflicting my presence on you again, but I'm afraid I'm here to stay. I would apologize for my abrupt departure, but I suppose you were just as glad I was gone. For my part, I missed our exchanges; strange as they might seem to outsiders, I find our "conversations" to be the highlight of my days.

Yours,  
Remus

PS - The chocolates are from the finest confectioners in Germany. That's where I went, by the way. I wanted to find out if Mum was right about chocolate curing everything, or if you were.

* * *

[A cobalt blue stoppered bottle with a hand-written label reading "take two spoonfuls once daily" is left on the kitchen table along with the unopened package of chocolates. December 15]

* * *

[Note left on the kitchen table, December 16]

Severus -

Thank you for the supplements. It is so much better than taking all those pills! Your talents never fail to impress me.

I'm sorry if you didn't like the chocolates. 

Yours,  
Remus

* * *

[Letter left on the mantle, December 19]

Severus -

Your supplements are definitely doing the job. I'm feeling better already.

I noticed you've not replied to me. Is there something wrong? Have I done something to make you especially angry with me? If so, I'm sorry, and I'd be more than happy to do whatever I can to make it up to you.

Yours,  
Remus

* * *

[Note left on the kitchen table. December 20]

Even if I wanted you to "make it up" to me, you could not. Just leave me alone.

* * *

[Note left on the kitchen table. Late evening, December 20]

Severus -

How do you know I couldn't if you won't let me try? And I did try leaving you alone; for some reason, it's almost as though you seem to be angry with me for it.

Yours,  
Remus

* * *

[Note scribbled in margin of MS entitled _An Order for War - Albus Dumbledore, Severus Snape, and the Wizarding Wars_ , by R. J. Lupin]

Dare I hope he really is angry? The fine line, after all...

* * *

[Note left on the kitchen table. December 21]

I am not angry. If anything, I am grateful for the reminder that I am meant to remain alone and not count on anyone else.

* * *

[Letter left on the mantle. Afternoon, December 21]

Severus -

You were counting on me? I thought I was nothing but a nuisance and a burden. Here you have been doing things for me, making me Wolfsbane and supplements and giving me salve, making my life better, and all I've done is to annoy you and make you angry with me. Really, what I wanted to do was let you know that someone does care about you. I care. Not that you will believe me, I'm sure, but I had to say it. I've given you ultimate power over me, because you know that you do have the ability to hurt me by your anger and distance. 

Whatever I've done, I'm sorry. And you can count on me, if you want to. It helps me to know that what I do matters.

Yours,  
Remus

* * *

[Note left on the kitchen table. December 22]

You are a complete idiot. I began making the Wolfsbane Potion, salve, and tonic for you; I allowed you to put up those wretched decorations; I began communicating with you. And you left. That does not speak of caring or reliability to me.

* * *

[Letter left on the mantle. Evening, December 22. It is creased, as though folded many times, read and reread before being placed with great care exactly in the center of the mantle]

Severus -

I'm not certain if I'll leave this for you to read; if I do, I am possibly more Gryffindor than I ever thought.

So. The reason I left was because of the last letter you wrote before I went away. The one in which you said you wanted to spend the rest of your life alone. I know you were making the Wolfsbane, the salve, and the tonic, and I thought that might mean... well, something that I was hoping it meant. But then when you wrote that you wanted to be left in peace and quiet, I felt I had been wrong, reading things into your actions that weren't there; being, as you have often accused me of being, an overly optimistic idiot who only sees what he wishes to see. I didn't know what to do. I thought perhaps I ought to give you what you had asked me for so often: solitude. And then in the end, I couldn't even do that right. I couldn't stay away. I had to come back. Not because of the house or the money. But because you were here.

You were right, by the way, and my Mum was wrong. Chocolate does bugger all against a broken heart.

Yours,  
Remus

* * *

[Note left on the kitchen table, written on a better quality of parchment than before. The wee hours of the morning, December 23]

Lupin,

I did want to be left alone in peace and quiet. Then I had what I wanted, and I found it was not as pleasant as I thought it would be, which is entirely your fault for making me grow accustomed to your presence here. You should not have left for a whole week without a single word. I was concerned there was a medical issue you were not telling me about. Then I thought you had abandoned me. Then I drank all of your cocoa, which serves you right.

 

S. Snape

* * *

[Note left on the kitchen table after breakfast. December 23]

Severus -

I happily take the blame. You're right, I shouldn't have left for a week without telling you where I was going. My only excuse was that I wasn't thinking very clearly. Again, I'm sorry for that, and I will make it up to you. I promise. If, that is, you are willing. And preferably face to face.

Yours,  
Remus

* * *

[Note left on the kitchen table. Afternoon, December 23]

That will largely depend on how you intend to make it up to me. I prefer to know the details first.

* * *

[Note left on the kitchen table before dinner. December 23]

Severus -

I have more cocoa. And I like to sit quietly in front of a roaring fire on cold winter nights with insufferably cheerful Christmas decorations around. If you were to join me, I think we could make the face to face literal, if you were willing. With or without the assistance of mistletoe.

Yours,  
Remus

* * *

[Note stuck to Remus' door. December 24]

If you insist. However, you must understand I have not been "face to face" with anyone in a very long time. Moreover, you had best not expect that if I sit with you, it means I will somehow be filled with the joy of the season or any such rot or that I think you any less an idiot. It simply means I do not crave utter solitude as much as I once did.

 

Severus

* * *

[Owl post to Remus Lupin, received late evening, December 24, along with a parcel of chocolates and cardigan]

Remus -

Sorry I haven't written since that note when you got out of prison. I just needed space, you know? I had to not think about the war or Dumbledore or anything else. I just needed to be eighteen, I suppose. I've enjoyed it. I think I'm ready to come back, perhaps after the first of the year. A fresh start for a new year, I guess. Thanks for the books on Defense you sent me for Christmas - since I'm thinking of becoming an Auror, they'll be very useful.

How is life with Snape? Does he hide in the cellar there and snap at you when you stick your head down?  I can't imagine how you can abide living with the man, and it was rather a bad joke on Dumbledore's part to have made you share the place with someone who hates you. Maybe you should "forget" to lock yourself in at the full moon and deal with the problem that way. Just remember, I'd back you up on it. 

See you in a few weeks. Hey, maybe that's the way we can get Snape out: tell him I'm coming for a visit, and the house will be yours. 

Happy Christmas,  
Harry

* * *

[Owl sent to Harry Potter. Early morning, December 25]

Harry -

Life with Severus is rather different than you might imagine. I think Albus did me the biggest favor of my life by putting us together in this way, and I hope Severus will think so as well. I don't want to speak to soon, but I think you might be surprised at how well we get along. There will be absolutely no question about me doing anything to harm him, full moon or not; while I appreciate the support you are showing me, believe me when I say that I'd much rather be nibbling on Severus as a man than munching on him as a wolf. 

No, I'm not under Imperius, nor has he slipped me a potion, or cast any sort of charm or curse on me. Finally, for the first time that I can remember, I'm really and truly in love, and that is the most potent, wonderful magic of all. I rather think of it as a Christmas miracle, and I hope when you recover from the shock, you'll think so, too. I'm sure Albus is probably Up There laughing at us all, and for once, I'm quite willing to be the butt of the joke.

Happy Christmas, Harry.  
Remus

* * *

[Note left on the kitchen table along with a wrapped parcel. December 25]

Severus -

I enjoyed last night very much, and I hope you did as well. It was wonderful to actually be able to see you, and touch you, and speak to you - even if we didn't do much talking. You might not have been "face to face" with anyone in a long time, and to be honest, neither had I, but I believe we both did rather well in that regard. Or at least I believe that you did; I wouldn't want to presume anything further.

Before you dismiss the gift I've left you (and no, I am not expecting anything in return, since you have given me so much already!), it's not much, really, just something that I hope you will be able to use.

Happy Christmas, Severus. If you have any desire for more cocoa, I shall be in front of the fire this evening.

Yours,  
Remus

* * *

[Note left on the kitchen table. Late afternoon, December 25]

I was not expecting a present, but the thought is appreciated. My old watch was confiscated, and I never got round to replacing it; the pocket watch will be useful. While I am not likely to be associated with Hogwarts again - and I will be much surprised if they do not expunge my name from the records as having served as Head of Slytherin - the engraved crest serves a nostalgic purpose.

As for your face to face technique, I have no complaints. It was satisfactory enough to make me inclined to join you again this evening.

 

Severus

* * *

[Letter left on the mantle. Morning, December 26]

Severus -

I'm glad my technique was satisfactory enough for a repeat. I find that practice really does make perfect.

I'm also happy that the watch will be of use. It is rather nostalgic, I suppose, but a bit of nostalgia can be a good thing. We are, after all, the sum of our experiences. 

I rinsed out the goblet from the Wolfsbane last evening, and I've left it in the kitchen. I hope that's all right, but I wasn't certain if I left it outside your door that you might not trip over it unawares. And speaking of the Wolfsbane, I shall leave my door unlocked that evening. If you feel so inclined, you are welcome to join me at any point you are comfortable with. Or not, of course - and I won't take offense. I just wanted you to know that the invitation is open, and it always will be.

Yours,  
Remus

* * *

[Note left on the kitchen table along with a goblet containing the Wolfsbane potion. Afternoon, December 26]

It would seem you were not speaking idly when you mentioned practice makes perfect; you certainly seemed intent on making up for lost practice time last night. I will remind you that just because I have spent time with you, snogging like the randiest adolescent at Hogwarts, I am not a soppy romantic. I still want time alone, and I will not tolerate a lot of hearts and flowers rubbish.

As for the night of the full moon, I suppose if we are to share quarters indefinitely, I ought to face my old fears and overcome them.

 

Severus

* * *

[Letter left on the kitchen table, along with a bottle of fine brandy and two glasses. Evening, December 26]

Severus -

Facing your fears is a good thing, I've found. I shall look forward to the full moon knowing that you will be there, too.

If hearts and flowers are out, how about brandy and popcorn? Snogging is optional, but I'm certainly not going to turn it down. Or if you prefer an evening alone, that's fine with me; I understand the need to sometimes be by yourself, and you don't have to worry about causing me offense by taking the time when you need it.

If you're up for the evening, bring the brandy with you, all right? 

Yours,  
Remus

* * *

[Note left on the kitchen table along with the Wolfsbane Potion. December 27]

Your attempt to get me drunk and seduce me was transparent, even for a Gryffindor. I suppose I should be concerned about my virtue if this continues - and if your hands continue to become ever more wayward. I expect you to find those buttons you popped off and return them to me.

So far, I have had sufficient alone time during the day that I do not find spending the evening with you onerous. You needn't worry; if I grow tired of your company of an evening, I will not hesitate to say so.

 

Severus

* * *

[Letter left on the kitchen table, along with the empty goblet and a plate with grapes, cubes of cheese, and chocolate covered strawberries. There is also a small crystal dish holding six black buttons. December 27]

Severus -

Transparent, perhaps, and you are very resistant to blatant attempts, I see. Your buttons are returned. All save one, that is. If you recall, there is a childhood game based upon finding a button, and so I leave it up to you to ferret out the location of the remaining one. As a hint, it might require your own hands to become somewhat wayward in the process, although I have no worries about my own virtue. As you have no doubt already been able to tell, it's yours for the taking.

I'm very glad that you are willing to spend evenings with me and that you are willing to speak your mind. That's very important, you know, for two people who are living together. Trust is essential, and so is communication.

The snacks are for this evening, if you choose to once again give me the excellent pleasure of your company. I promise I shall even peel the grapes for you, if you need an extra enticement.

Yours,  
Remus

* * *

[Note left on the kitchen table along with the Wolfsbane Potion and a single black button. December 28]

Very clever of you, hiding the button there.

I suppose you would consider me to be stating the obvious if I said neither trust nor communication come easily to me. Trust has been problematic for me since my school days; you and your friends did not help, but it was not much easier being in Slytherin House in that time either. It was all politics and prejudice, and I wanted to fit in somewhere. Trust is especially difficult now, after having been shunned and scorned by the world. Somehow, however, I seem to have gained a small measure of faith in you. Betray it at your peril.

As for communication, I find this easier than speaking, perhaps because of the illusion of a safe distance. Thus if you have wondered why I tend to be quiet during our evenings together and save my speech for the next day's note, now you know.

On the subject of virtue: games of button-finding aside, I believe it best to wait until after the full moon before proceeding further. That night will determine a great many things, and I think it best not to act in haste beforehand. I trust you understand and will agree.

That does not mean, however, you will be freed from grape peeling duty.

 

Severus

* * *

[Letter left on the kitchen table, along with the empty goblet. December 28. The button is missing]

Severus -

I have the grapes and a nice dessert wine I was given by Minerva for Christmas. I'd love to share it with you.

I do believe you are right about the full moon; it might change your mind about your involvement with me. It's been a long time since you've seen the wolf, and if you are reticent about things, it's better to find out now.

I understand about the letters being easier as forms of communication; you can also think things out as you write them down, and it can help clarify issues even in your own mind. To be honest, it was as I was writing the history and putting down the parts pertaining to you that I realized how I was beginning to feel about you, how my own attitudes had damaged things, and how my perspective had changed. It's fascinating, really; perhaps sometime you would like to see what I've written.

Until tonight,  
Yours,  
Remus

* * *

[Note left on the kitchen table along with the Wolfsbane Potion. December 29]

The wine was tolerable, and your grape peeling technique was adequate, thus I suppose we may call it a successful evening. Dare I ask what you have in mind for tonight? Or what nefarious plans you have for the button?

I am reticent when it comes to your wolf form. Before the so-called "prank", I was fascinated by Dark creatures, just as I was fascinated by the Dark Arts. I suppose in my youthful arrogance, I romanticized them, not recognizing the dangers or perhaps not believing the danger could affect me. That night proved me wrong, and it tempered my fascination somewhat to be faced with the harsh truth that yes, Dark Arts and Dark creatures are dangerous, even to clever, talented Slytherins.

What I saw that night haunted me, and while the passing of time has eased the primal fear instilled in me that night, I have much to overcome. I do not doubt the efficacy of my own potion, but my good sense will be at war with deeper instincts. We shall see what happens.

Regardless, I would indeed be interested in seeing what you have written.

 

Severus

* * *

[Note left on the kitchen table., December 29. Included are several handwritten pages of manuscript, specifically detailing Severus' role in the wars, and his bravery and sacrifice.]

Severus -

Ah, now what fun would it be if I told you where the button was? Finding it is all the fun, isn't it? Well, that and the anticipation. But if you must have a hint, it's inside a piece of my clothing. That I will be wearing. To retrieve the button, the clothing will have to go as well. I leave it up to your imagination about just how far you will need to go.

I'm glad that you thought the evening was a success, because I certainly did. And I find I am hopeful for tomorrow evening as well. I hope that I can help you overcome the things which have haunted you. Not just those concerning my wolf form, either. If I have the opportunity, I would very much like to banish all the Darkness from your life, save those bits you might wish to keep. 

As you can see, I have attached the bits of the history which pertain to you. Please feel free to correct, add, or delete anything you wish. My only stipulation is that you will be mentioned in the book. You did far too much to fade off into obscurity, or worse, to be villainized for it. Even if only one person reads it and has their opinion altered, it will be worth it in my mind.

For tonight, I thought perhaps we could share some of our favorite literature? I have obtained another bottle of brandy and some rather nice chocolate cake. Sometimes when I find my own words inadequate, reading those of others helps me to express myself.

Yours,  
Remus

* * *

[Letter left on the kitchen table along with the Wolfsbane Potion and the pages of the manuscript with spelling and punctuation corrections and annotations in the margins. Morning, December 30]

You realize most people will discount your claims where I am concerned if this manuscript is ever published, especially if word gets out that we are sharing quarters and - depending on how tonight goes - more than merely former colleagues. Friendship alone would be reason enough to cast aspersions on what you have written, much less a more intimate relationship.

Still, if you insist on forging ahead and including me for posterity's sake, I will not argue. Likely it will be the only recognition I receive, and I have never been one to fall back on false modesty. I did do much for Albus and the Order and both damned wars, even if everyone would like to sweep me under the rug now because what I did was covert and unpleasant, not a heroic charge on a white steed, flaming sword of righteousness in hand like some damned Gryffindor. As if what I did was any less useful or dangerous just because it was undercover and forced me to fraternize with the enemy.

At any rate, if you still wish to interview me for the manuscript, I will oblige. I am not optimistic about the chances of a publisher accepting a manuscript from a werewolf or an editor leaving in the more flattering descriptions of my deeds, but I will indulge you nonetheless.

On a different topic entirely, you really are shameless, Lupin. Putting the button there was quite brazen of you, and as if that wasn't enough, you had the audacity to read Donne. I'm beginning to wonder if the rumors regarding werewolf appetites are true, or if you have been celibate for too long.

 

Severus

* * *

[Note left on the kitchen table, with the goblet. There is also a studded leather collar. Late afternoon, December 30]

Severus -

Frankly, I don't give a Dark Lord's arse about what other people think anymore. I know, I know, what a stunning turn around from the Lupin of old, but there you have it. I think writing this has helped me to achieve some perspective on things, something which I have lacked due to my closeness to everything that was happening. Which isn't to say that my friends don't matter to me anymore - they do. But as far as what society at large thinks, I have learned from my time in prison and among Greyback's pack that to people outside my immediate group of intimates, I will never be anything more than a werewolf. Perhaps it is your influence, but this no longer bothers me as it once would have.

I would love to interview you for the manuscript, but we can talk about that after. And yes, you were hardly the knight on the white steed, but I have found out recently that I like my heroes the same way I like my chocolate: dark, slightly bitter, and with more of a bite than sweetness. It seems you suit my tastes exactly. Perhaps after tonight, we'll find out just how true that is.

Shameless? Well, yes, I suppose I am, but I didn't hear any complaints last night. As far as my appetites, I would say that a bit of both is true. If you wish to find out how true, let me just say that the collar isn't just for the wolf.

Until tonight,  
Yours,  
Remus

* * *

[Letter left on Remus' bedside table along with the jar of salve and a vial of pain potion. Morning, December 31]

I suppose you would not appreciate it if I dragged this out and kept you in suspense, thus I will come straight to the point. Last night was not as difficult as I feared it would be. It was far from easy, mind, but it could have been worse.

The worst part was immediately following your transformation. Even though I knew you retained human sensibility due to the potion, it was difficult to remember and quell my baser instincts to fight or flee when I first saw the beast. I am not certain how much you remember clearly, but you behaved in a non-threatening manner, which helped.

For a long time, I simply held the collar and braced myself to approach you. When I moved nearer at last and fastened the collar around your neck, it felt like a symbolic act: collaring old fears that had controlled me and finding a way to control them at last. It was also liberating in a sense, and I found myself regaining a spark of my old fascination.

I will not say I am completely at ease yet; however, I can say I was neither terrified nor appalled. Therefore, I believe we may proceed with this whatever-it-is between us.

I am pleased to know you have ceased caring so much about the opinion of the world. That was what always got you in trouble: trying to keep people happy with you. What did it get you in the end? You lost everything anyway, and you are only just now getting any measure of stability and security in your life. You might say I lost everything as well, but the difference between you and me is that I was not trying to cling to anything.

As for your shameless appetites, they will have to wait for satisfaction until you are rested. I am going to make soup, and I will bring you a tray later. Meanwhile, I expect you to stay in bed and recuperate.

 

Severus

PS - I have the collar, and I will keep it until such time as I may fasten it around your neck again.

* * *

[Note left on the beside table. December 31. The handwriting is a bit shaky]

Severus -

I woke up and had to reply, although I don't know how long I shall be awake. I just wanted to say that I'm so very glad you faced your fears and that you are willing to proceed with us finding out where this relationship might end up. I can't find words to express how it makes me feel, so I shall simply have to show you. 

One of the side effects of all the supplements you have been making for me is that I find I am feeling much stronger, and I recovered much more quickly from my last transformation than I had in a long time. I have a feeling that by the time you have the tray done, I shall be recovered enough to wear that collar for you. I look forward to it very much.

Wake me after you read this, please? As much as I need the food, I need the taste of you far more.

Yours,  
Remus

* * *

[Note left on Remus' pillow. Early morning, January 1]

I slept for more than four hours without the aid of a sleeping draught for the first time in years last night. Well, once you allowed me to fall asleep, that is. You are rather voracious, aren't you. You do realize we cannot make up for a long run of celibacy in one night, do you not? If this vigor is a side effect of the supplements I am making for you, perhaps I should water them down a bit.

Then again, perhaps not.

The collar makes a nice contrast to your fair skin. I find I quite like the look of it. I like the feel of leather and skin against my lips. I like the scent of it mingling with yours. I like what it represents.

I will return soon with breakfast, and we can continue making up for lost time. I have never cared to celebrate the death of the old year and the beginning of the new year before; to me, one year was just like any other. This time, however, I am glad to put the old year behind me, and I find I am looking forward to what the new year has in store.

 

Happy new year,  
Severus

* * *

[Note left on the night table on Severus' side of the bed. Late afternoon, January 1]

Severus -

Making up for lost time sounds like a good plan to me, and I'm a believer in "start as you mean to go on". A whole new year, and we have it ahead of us; I'm very glad to be at a beginning with you. Here. Now. It's symbolic, I think, that so much of our respective pasts has been left behind, and we have what I feel is a brilliant future to look forward to.

Don't you dare water down the supplements. If I might make a cheeky suggestion, you might like to try them yourself. Not that I have any complaints about your vigor. At all.

I, too, like the symbolism of the collar, and even more so since you enjoy it so much. I am more than willing to wear it for you any time you like. You've bound my heart, Severus; binding my body is an outward display I shall be most pleased to offer you at any time.

I'm glad that I am able to help you sleep, and it must be true as you are slumbering peacefully as I write this. I feel awake and very energetic, and so I shall put that to good use while you regain your strength. You're going to need it.

When you wake up, come downstairs. I am making dinner, which we shall have on the floor in front of the fireplace. Afterward, we can scandalize the portraits, if you are up for it. I know I am - especially since I distinctly noticed an old portrait of Albus twinkling at me. 

Happy new year. The first of many, many more.

Yours,  
Remus

* * *

[Special Delivery Owl Post. Afternoon, January 2]

Ms. Amica Curae, Solicitor  
Diagon Alley

Ms. Curae -

This is to inform you, as executrix of Albus Dumbledore's will, that it is our mutual decision to continue to share Albus Dumbledore's ancestral home. We have reached an accord, and therefore, we would like the codicil removed so that we will be free to travel as we wish without fear of losing the estate. If you need further clarification, Severus says we should put it plainly: we will not merely be cohabitating; we will be partners in a committed relationship.

Please let us know as soon as possible when the codicil has been removed. As soon as Severus' house arrest is over, it is our intention to take a long vacation as something of a honeymoon. 

Thank you for your prompt attention in this matter.

Sincerely,

Mr. Remus Lupin  
Mr. Severus Snape

* * *

[Letter dated June 28, 1994]

My dear boys,

 

If you are reading this, we may assume two things. One: I am dead. Two: You have decided of your own free will to share the estate and live together peaceably. For that, I extend my heartiest congratulations and well wishes for a happy future to you both.

You have no doubt wondered (along with the rest of the wizarding world, I am certain!) why I named the two of you as my beneficiaries. The reason is simple: you are the most deserving, and I am desirous of you putting the past to rest and learning to co-exist amicably.

Remus, you have suffered much deprivation due to the constraints that have been placed upon your kind. Yet you have persevered, and I applaud your strength of will. I regret that the solace I offered was only temporary, but I thought a short respite from your troubles was better than none at all, and our students needed your guidance and expertise.

Severus, my dear boy. I have asked much of you, and doubtless I will ask much more before the end, and you have borne it all with a strength that astounds me. I have used that strength, and it has neither broken nor faltered. There is steel at your core which will serve you well in the days to come, and I hope at the end of the coming battle, you will find peace. Consider this my contribution to that end and enjoy it with my thanks for your years of service.

I am not forcing your cohabitation as a punishment, I assure you. I merely wish to repair that which has been long broken. It is the prerogative of meddling old men to arrange things to their liking, especially after they are dead, and I wish to see the two of you exist in harmony after the pain and discord of the past. Perhaps I should have tried to mediate after the incident of your schooldays. Perhaps I should have tried to mediate this past year; little did I know Severus would be the instrument of the curse, thus widening the rift between you.

At any rate, I hope one day this letter might be delivered so that I may say it is behind you now. Enjoy the estate and each other with my blessings.

 

Sincerely,  
A. P. W. B. Dumbledore

* * *

"Oh. Well, I wasn't expecting something like this."

"You may imagine my surprise as well."

"It's almost like he knew, somehow. But... how could he? I mean, after that particular year and everything, I would have thought that even Albus would have given up hope of us fixing things."

"He was always annoyingly optimistic. Meddling old bastard. It wasn't enough that he pulled my strings in life. He had to find a way to do it from beyond the grave as well."

"Would it be horribly soppy of me to say I'm very glad he did?"

"Yes, it would, but I wouldn't expect it to stop you."

"Ah, and in that, you are as wise as Albus ever was. I'll try not to be too annoying about it, but... well, being a Legilimens has some disadvantages, I suppose."

"Only if I make a point of looking, but I wouldn't dream of prying. Or meddling. I know something being horribly soppy wouldn't stop you from saying it because I know you. I will find a way of coping with it somehow, I suppose."

"Why, Severus, how romantic of you. You'll turn my head with such praise!"

"Only you would find a way to see that as praise. Is this what I have in store for the next fifty years?"

"This, and much much more. Aren't you lucky? All right, all right, don't say it. How about, um... I intend that the brilliant sex will make up for any inconvenience you might suffer?"

"Brilliant sex will make up for much. Especially as voracious as your appetites have proven to be."

"Pot, cauldron. Not that I'm complaining at all! Hmmm... that's a thought, though. Seeing which of us gives out first. I suppose it doesn't matter. We'd both end up winning. Or at least not care if we lost."

"It would hardly be a fair contest. You have recuperative and stamina advantages that I do not. I must make up for it in creativity."

"Ooooo. That sounds brilliant. So. When do you want to start? Is now good?"

"We just got out of bed not an hour ago."

"Has it only been that long? Seems like ages. Or perhaps it's just that you inspire me. Of course, if you aren't up to it..."

"The problem with you, Lupin, is that you talk too damned much. Now shut up and _act_."


End file.
